Anticipate The Difficult

        Patience is a virtue. That couldn't be more true. I have found more patience within myself as I've gotten older, and I will admit that half of that is just from growing up; maturing. The other half comes from observing certain people in my life. Me realizing who I want to be more like and who I want to be less like. Being taught that I will be better off if I have a certain state of endurance under difficult circumstances. Being told that it will benefit me in the long run if I learn how to be patient and learn how to deal with difficult and unreasonable people now.
        Has your patience been broken because of your attempt to deal with an unreasonable or difficult person in your life? Mine has, several times in fact. There are two different types of difficult people in my opinion. The type of people who are just annoyingly difficult-harmless. The kind of people who have obstinate little quarks that just simply get on your nerves. I can deal with those types of people. Then there's the second type of difficult people. The irrational, bad-tempered, toxic people who damage not only themselves, but others. Just a "rain on your parade" type of person. Unfortunately, I have spent masses of time observing this type of person. This post isn't about the people that can be tolerated, but about the people who are a destruction to everyone around them and what you people who are currently dealing with this kind of conflict can do to make your lives easier. It is tricky and simply exhausting trying to deal with someone like this; I couldn't bare to actually be someone like that.

         It is merely ridiculous to have a conversation with this type of person but not impossible. These types of people do not have all of the same characteristics but these are the most common. Difficult people may think that the world is out to get them when "they" are the ones who are causing others pain and agony. They're selfish, rude, arrogant and quite pompous. Constantly causing inconveniences to others around them and NEVER realizing that they're even doing it. Or maybe causing inconveniences to others around them deliberately and then once confronted about it austerely play aloof and thinking that they're the victim. 

        Now, I haven't quite put a finger on it, but I can't tell if it is learned behavior from people around them or if it is lack of someone, and by someone I mean the parents teaching you at a young age... sometimes I think it might be a mixture of both. I certainly hate to complain, because there are worse people in the world... but I'm exasperated by these people mainly because they make good and decent people in the worlds lives that much harder when they simply have other things in life to worry about already. Sometimes I think that they go to extraordinary measures to be difficult.

        This world is hard enough. We face challenges everyday, and we don't need the people in it challenging us anymore than they already are. People don't understand that life is a gift and the people in it need to be cherished with every breath that we take. They shouldn't take the people who have only been trying to help them over the years for granted. I've witnessed bad habits from over the years. Greed, selfishness, disobedience, etc. And you know, the idea that is just so poignant more than anything? The fact that the people in your life you once called your family, have almost faded away from your life because of you, because of the fact that that person has pushed them away by their bad behaviors and reactions. The fact that they have simply reacted and not thought first. They've turned the images of life itself and distorted it into something that they see as normal behavior. Their priorities are all wrong and out of order. They've abandoned what truly matters, and the result is their loved ones simply not caring anymore. Now what would you do if you were actually living with one of these people? Here are some tips that I have come to find very helpful over the years. Hopefully this will help.

P.S. Be thankful for the difficult people in your life, and learn from them. They have shown you exactly who you do not want to be.

 

Eight Keys to Handling Difficult and Unreasonable People:

 

    1. Keep Your Cool

Benefits: Maintain self control. Avoid escalation of problem.

How: The first rule in the face of an unreasonable person is to maintain your composure; the less reactive you are, the more you can use your better judgment to handle the situation.

When you feel angry or upset with someone, before you say something you might later regret, take a deep breath and count slowly to ten. In most circumstances, by the time you reach ten, you would have figured out a better way of communicating the issue. If this does not work, walk away and come back to the issue.

 

    2. Shift from Being Reactive to Proactive

 

Benefits: Minimize misinterpretation & misunderstanding. Concentrate energy on problem-solving.

 

How: When you feel offended by someone’s words or deeds, come up with at least two possible interpretations before reacting. For example, I may be tempted to think that my co-worker is ignoring my messages, or I can consider the possibility that she’s been very busy. When we avoid personalizing other people's behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective on the situation can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding. This is very important, do not excuse unacceptable behavior. The point is to remind yourself that people do what they do because of their own issues. As long as we’re being reasonable and considerate, difficult behaviors from others say a lot more about them than they do about us. By de-personalizing, we can view the situation more objectively, and come up with better ways of solving the problem.

    3. Separate the Person From the Issue

 

Benefits: Establish yourself as a strong problem solver with excellent people skills. Win more rapport, cooperation and respect.

 

How: In every communication situation, there are two elements present: The relationship you have with this person, and the issue you are discussing. An effective communicator knows how to separate the person from the issue, and be soft on the person and firm on the issue. For example:

“I want to talk about what’s on your mind, but I can’t do it when you’re yelling. Let’s either sit down and talk more quietly, or take a time out and come back this afternoon.”

“I appreciate you putting a lot of time into this project. At the same time, I see that three of the ten requirements are still incomplete. Let’s talk about how to finish the job on schedule.” 

“I really want you to come with us. Unfortunately, if you’re going to be late like the last few times, we’ll have to leave without you.”

When we’re soft on the person, people are more open to what we have to say. When we’re firm on the issue, we show ourselves as strong problem solvers.

    4. Put the Spotlight on Them

 

Benefits: Proactive. Equalize power in communication. Apply appropriate pressure to reduce difficult behavior.

 

How: A common pattern with difficult people (especially the aggressive types) is that they like to place attention on you to make you feel uncomfortable or inadequate. Typically, they’re quick to point out there’s something not right with you or the way you do things. The focus is consistently on “what’s wrong,” instead of “how to solve the problem.”

This type of communication is often intended to dominate and control, rather than to sincerely take care of issues. If you react by being on the defensive, you simply fall into the trap of being scrutinized, thereby giving the aggressor more power while she or he picks on you with impunity. A simple and powerful way to change this dynamic is to put the spotlight back on the difficult person, and the easiest way to do so is to ask questions. For example:

Aggressor: “Your proposal is not even close to what I need from you.”

Response: “Have you given clear thought to the implications of what you want to do?”

Aggressor: “You’re so stupid.”

Response: “If you treat me with disrespect I’m not going to talk with you anymore. Is that what you want? Let me know and I will decide if I want to stay or go.”

Keep your questions constructive and probing. By putting the difficult person in the spotlight, you can help neutralize her or his undue influence over you.   

    5. Use Appropriate Humor

 

Benefits: Disarm unreasonable and difficult behavior when correctly used. Show your detachment. Avoid being reactive. Problem rolls off your back.

 

How: Humor is a powerful communication tool. Years ago I knew a co-worker who was quite stuck up. One day a colleague of mine said “Hello, how are you?” to him. When the egotistical co-worker ignored her greeting completely, my colleague didn’t feel offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and quipped: “That good, huh?” This broke the ice and the two of them started a friendly conversation. Brilliant.

When appropriately used, humor can shine light on the truth, disarm difficult behavior, and show that you have superior composure. In “How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People,” I explain the psychology of humor in conflict resolution, and offer a variety of ways one can use humor to reduce or eliminate difficult behavior.

    6. Change from Following to Leading
 

Benefit: Leverage direction and flow of communication.

 

How: In general, whenever two people are communicating, one is usually doing more leading, while the other is doing more following. In healthy communication, two people would take turns leading and following. However, some difficult people like to take the lead, set a negative tone, and harp on “what’s wrong” over and over.

You can interrupt this behavior simply by changing the topic. As mentioned earlier, utilize questions to redirect the conversation. You can also say “By the way…” and initiate a new subject. When you do so, you’re taking the lead and setting a more constructive tone.

    7. Confront Bullies (Safely)

 

Benefits: Reduce or eliminate harmful behavior. Increase confidence and peace of mind.

 

How: The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker, so as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. Many bullies are also cowards on the inside. When their victims begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully will often back down.

 

   8. Set Consequence

 

Benefits: Proactive not reactive. Shift balance of power. Win respect and cooperation when appropriately applied.

 

How: The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills we can use to "stand down" a difficult person. Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the challenging individual, and compels her or him to shift from obstruction to cooperation.

 

 

-To know how to handle unreasonable and difficult people is to truly master the art of communication. As you utilize these skills, you may experience less grief, greater confidence, better relationships, and higher communication skills.